Thursday, March 28, 2013

So, You've Been Named the New Pope

Dear: ______________:

Congratulations on being named our next pontiff. This document will help you get started on your exciting adventure.

A few “housecleaning” items to begin with. Your locker is the first one on the right (it’s painted red, of course). It will hold all your vestments, footwear and smaller items (please note, the keys to the Pope Mobile are hung on a hook to the left of the door). As for headgear, the zucchetto, or small skullcap, may be kept inside the locker, however both the papal tiara and mitre (the tall white one embroidered in gold) are kept locked up in Cardinal Richeleau’s office (both have a tendency to “walk off”).

Your parking space is the large one out front (formerly the Vatican’s employee of the month spot). By next week it will have a personalized sign limiting it to use by you and occasionally the FedEx guy if he’s only going to be a minute.

Your quarters will be ready the Tuesday after the conclave has officially proclaimed you as pontiff. We wait until it’s “official,” as we don’t want a repeat of the 1643 fiasco, which still stings. If the quarters are not ready for some reason, we will put you up in the Vatican City Econo Lodge, where the rooms are just O.K., but we get a ten-percent discount (tell Fredo at the front desk who you are and he'll probably "forget about" charging you for any movies you watch on Selectra-Vision).

As for the ceremony itself, the cardinal deacon will appear on the central balcony of the basilica to proclaim you as the new pope. He’ll prattle on for a bit in several different languages (an aside: I think this PC/inclusive crap goes too far, perhaps you can rein it in during your papacy.... just a thought). Then you will step out onto the balcony to address the masses.

A few things while you are waiting:

-You’ll be wearing the papal tiara, which will make you sweat like Tom Cruise in a confessional booth. It’s recommended you not put it on too soon. (JP II wore a Planet Hollywood cap, only donning the tiara a second before hitting the balcony.)

-What you wear under the vestments is your business (what goes on the Vatican stays in the Vatican, as we say)

-Use the bathroom before putting on the layers of vestments, especially with the cardinal deacon going on and on in Latin, Swahili, Portuguese etc. (see my aside above).

-Yes, the heels are uncomfortable but they are required by Scripture.

We wish you the best of luck in your papacy. In closing, we recommend you see HR during your first week in office to get the paperwork and insurance all straightened out. Finally, I.D. badges are available for pick up in the security department located in the basement.

Vatican Management Inc.
A division of ChristCo

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the good laugh. Too bad Francis I won't get to see it - it is probably right up his alley - and he's going to need all the humor he can get just to stay sane.