Dear Mr. McCarthy:
Thank you again for including Hollister Career Consultants in the pursuit of your dream position of pope.
Enclosed are the findings following several meetings with you, a resume check, mock interview, thorough review of your online presence, financials, and interviews with friends and colleagues. If our remarks seem direct this is because we believe the only way to obtain the job of your dreams is through a process of honest assessment.
Our recommendations follow.
MEETINGS and MOCK INTERVIEW
Initially, our counselors had to admit they did not find you very “pope like.” The first priority for you, as with most candidates, is to present a professional appearance at the job interview. While we take your point that Rome is “hotter than blue blazes,” flip-flops are out of the question, no matter how well they match your tie. Also, all tattoos should be covered, especially large ones that read, “Buttweiser, King of Rears.”
As pope, you will be called upon to hold meetings with dignitaries and to preside over events deemed holy by millions around the world. Given these requirements, we believe your communications skills will need much improving. Our counselors gave you a rating in this area of 3.2 out of 10. This range would indicate you are well qualified for the job of dockworker, but demonstrates the amount of effort you will need to put in before ascending to the papacy. We were particularly dismayed by your lack of verbal control, as highlighted by the many curse words you muttered throughout the mock interview. While none of our consultants are practicing Catholics or experts in this area, we are confident in our position that popes generally don’t do this sort of thing.
Finally, a safety pin can be discreetly deployed to solve that “zipper problem” one of our consultants mentioned to you on the way out of the interview room.
This being the first time we’ve worked with a client seeking the job of pope, our consultants struggled to define the qualifications and experience necessary for the position. While we continue to investigate this matter, we can offer our opinion that your only relevant experience as “altar boy in the 1970s” may not be enough to convince the Vatican that you are ready for the top position. But again, these things are very subjective, and your current position as “part-time ball boy” at the local CYO Center may indeed be a step in the right direction.
As for the references you listed, none of phone numbers furnished for these individuals worked. The one exception, “Wendy,” was glad to talk about you. She mentioned a large debt you owed her, “a strange rash,” and a few things gone missing from her apartment since last you were there. We recommend removing her from your list of references.
What is hotmamas.com and why do you owe this company $323?
Also, tax returns showing alimony payments to three different parties may be problematic concerning this particular position. Again, we are not experts, but we leave it to you to try and expunge these particular records before the Vatican’s interview process gets underway.
Additionally, we recommend removing from your 2012 tax returns a dependent listed as “Weed Man.”
While it may be true that the last pope used Twitter to reach out to the faithful, we did not find evidence of a pontiff Facebook presence. That being said, you may want to simply cancel your current page. Failing that, you might take the following steps:
1. Remove from “favorite books”: Fifty Shades of Grey, The Selfish Gene, The Da Vinci Code, The Tin Drum and How to Bet on Football and Win.
2. We advise you “Like” some religious pages, and “Unlike” any that seem to be linked to so-called vices. A list of the latter would basically include just about all your current “Likes.”
3. De-friend anyone who may give the wrong impression of you or your lifestyle. We recommend disassociating from the following “friends”: “PartyDawg,” “DevilMayCare,” “WhoreMasterX,” and “WeedMan.”
4. Consider pants for profile photo.
5. Delete “spring break” photo album, especially since you never went to college and these images seem to have been pulled at random from the Internet.
INTERVIEWS WITH COLLEAGUES AND FRIENDS
Our consultants were hopeful that talking to those who know you best would uncover a side of you not previously revealed to us. Alas, we encountered nothing but stories of debauchery, selfishness, and gross indifference to the norms of proper society. Six of your closest friends asked us to mention the money you owed them, one was concerned about the contents of a mysterious package you’d asked her to hold on to, and a certain “Mary M.” wants her car back “this century.”
It is our recommendation that you keep these fine folks under wraps until the interview process is over.
Given these findings, we know it may seem you have a long, hard journey ahead of you. However, we at Hollister believe that all our clients, with the proper professional guidance, can achieve the job of their dreams. Therefore, we encourage you to stay connected to our services and continue your pursuit of the pope position. In short, we won’t rest until the white smoke flies over St. Peter’s Square and the cardinal deacon steps to the balcony and says “habemus papum!” before announcing your name to the waiting world.
Please find enclosed a bill for our services.