Thursday, March 28, 2013

Film Reviews by and for the Chronically Short of Attention Span

Wow, what a bunch of crap Oscar had to sit through this year, and it’s all just now coming out on DVD. Let’s get right to it.

Zero Dark Thirty: I think this was supposed to be a minute-by-minute re-creation of the capture of Osama bin Laden. Didn’t it take us 11 long years to get him? That’s what this felt like. Usually a hot redhead and guys with assault weapons will keep me tuned in for a quarter hour or more. But here, even the torture scene put me in a near coma. GRADE: F for too much slow soldiery stalking and stuff.

Lincoln: I heard this was long and talky, so I doubled down on my Ritalin. Still, I was out of there before the first top hat came out. One plus: there was some good battlefield gore– I guess there was some war going on at the time. Email me about how that ended. (In case you haven’t guessed, I wasn’t a very good student.) Better yet, Tweet me. F

The Silver Lining Playbook: Didn’t see it. There were, like, five people in line at the Red Box. What is this, Manhattan?

Amour: I would have killed the bitch during the first reel. F

 Life of Pi: I thought this was about desserts. But two hours plus with a guy in a boat with a tiger. Yeah, right. F for boring and F for misleading me with a delicious title.

 Argo: Foreigners really test my patience. Uppity ones all the more. F for boring me and Ffor lack of tasers and truncheons.

Anne Karenina: What a great idea, take a 10,000 page book and condense it down to a movie. Wrong. At least the book can be used as a doorstop. F

Flight: Loved the plane crash, but does it really take, like, seven minutes to drop two tons of metal out of the sky. Note to Denzel: If you are going to dawdle like that stop Bogarting all the coke and share some with the audience. We’d like to stay awake, too, you know. D-

Les Misérables: I loved it. I could listen to Russell Crow sing for hours. Is there anything that Aussie hunk can’t do? A

The Sessions: What a tease. No full frontal for 17 minutes? Hello? I was in Snoozetown and out of tissues by then. F for unnecessary talking and plot stuff.

So there you have it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But, chin up: the new Adam Sandler movie comes out next month.

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